Katya & Co.

Turning over a new leaf

2011-10-18T01:55:00.003-04:00

No, I'm not dead yet. (You may think I'm being morbid, but someone actually approached my mother at the gym to ask if I'm "still around".) I'm very much still here, despite all evidence to the contrary.

"So where are the posts?" you ask, "the photos?"

Well, this crazy little world of mine has snowballed out of control, so I've been working hard to organize everything in one spot and under one name. Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, Etsy... I do it all. However, in the spirit of autumn, I'm turning over a new leaf. This page will soon be taken down. From here on out, please change your bookmarks and favorites to katyagray.tumblr.com. Any and all links Katya, you shall find there.

Holiday

2011-09-12T22:20:00.000-04:00

I meant to do this before I left, but we all know I'm a slacker as well as a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. I have been and will be in Maine for a few. Follow my tweets @katyagray.

Never a dull moment

2011-09-02T13:00:00.017-04:00

Oh, life on the Gorkavchuk Farm... I don't know about inspiration, but it certainly has been good for some laughs lately.

We have three Yorkies, all male, all unneutered - woof, woof! They're very territorial pups to begin with, so of course they spend every day trying to outdo each other, generally by growling at little children or frantically marking every leaf on the property. When they return from the doggie spa or when it's that time of year, they try to demonstrate their dominance (or good looks, perhaps?) by ceaselessly humping each other. Well, that reached a whole new high yesterday. Pasha (venti) was getting it from Misha (grande) who was getting it from Gosha (tall). It was a very well-planned Yorgy. I should have gotten the video camera.

Then there is my mother. My dad's three sibling are all due to arrive this weekend for a bit of a Labor Day reunion, so she was polishing all the silver. Barely a few minutes after I offered to help, she started tearing up. "What's wrong, ma?" I asked as I hugged her. "The silver..." she sniffled and sobbed into my shoulder. "What's wrong with the silver?" "You're dying, and now I have no one to pass it down to-oo-oo!" she wailed.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

(I love you, mama.)

"Expect Delays"

2011-09-01T23:28:00.000-04:00

It's like those road signs. You'll make it through this. There's just no telling when. I've been hurtin'. So expect delays.

Saudade

2011-08-14T02:12:00.004-04:00

I have learned from experience that there are some things that just do not translate into other languages or transcend other cultures too well. Sure, you can literally translate the word, but the feelings and emotions behind it become lost. A bit like the "suitcase emotions" I've written about before, saudade is such a word. I tend to love all things melancholy - tragic romances, ships lost at sea, tattered books, gray and rainy days - and words are no exception. Saudade. It's not only pretty in how it sounds, but the meaning is just so haunting. Tenho saudades tuas. I don't just miss you, I long for you from the very core of my being. There's a hole where you should be. Saudade. It's that kind of day.

P.S. I forgot to mention that it's Portuguese. (Thanks, Theresa!)

Better late than never

2011-08-13T00:53:00.001-04:00

I am a serious slacker! That, or maybe time just flies when one gets older. I can't believe it's been an entire week since I last posted. It's been a bit of a crummy (read: super painful) week though, and who wants to read about that, right? Instead, I'll leave you with something my dad told me he heard from Dennis Prager, one of his most favorite people and one of my answers to the classic "who would you most like to have dinner with" question.

If you believe that you're an animal, then you'll act like an animal.

Now that's not the exact quote - I'll have to search a bit to find it, but I like what it says, especially given this past week's news about the shooting here in Copley and the riots overseas in the U.K. So often society drills it into our heads that we've "evolved" from primitive animals, and recently it seems that more and more people have embraced the idea of behaving like said animals. C'est dommage.

Katya says "da!"

2011-08-05T00:59:00.000-04:00

The Soviets have finally made it to American televisions. This should be fantastic. Perhaps a viewing party, complete with blinis and caviar, for the premiere on August 11th? Katya says "da!"

Mmm mmm good

2011-08-03T00:25:00.005-04:00

Food news is the best news! Gilt has launched a new (beta) site called Gilt Taste. Be still my heart. They offer fantastic pricing on goodies such as foie gras, pink peppercorns and a gorgeous crepe cake. There is an insane selection of cheeses from Murray's (only THE most amazing cheese shop, found in the beautiful West Village of NYC). And last, but certainly not least, they're offering an exclusive deal on a Chef's Garden basket (available til 10 pm tomorrow night). Oh, and they'll be offering wine soon! I don't know about you, but I'm sensing a serious dent in my bank account this week. Check it out (and if when you purchase something, please be a darling and use my link...)

It's gettin' real...

2011-07-28T23:06:00.006-04:00

Happy weekend, loves. (You can thank me later.)

The 27 Club

2011-07-27T23:28:00.044-04:00

It's been a whole week since Amy Winehouse passed, yet I can't get her off my mind. Our media makes it seem like she got was coming to her, but I don't agree. Sure, she made a lot of bad decisions, but she's no different in that respect than I am. I wasn't familiar with the 27 Club until her death, and I'm not exactly happy to have attained such knowledge. It makes me so sad. I'll be 27 in a few months myself.

Thinking about her brought to mind Heath Leger and Brittany Murphy as well. Such famous faces, but what did that get them? I feel so undeservedly blessed. Why am I still here when their lives were cut so short? Why have my eyes been opened to so many beautiful things, not least of all God's love, while they struggled merely to survive? Some of my favorites verses in Isaiah 40 say, "All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades..."

Life is so fragile. Show people love. TODAY. You never know what the next morning will bring.

And now, without further ado...

2011-07-24T01:13:00.004-04:00

I'd like to share the video of the interview I filmed with my pastor, Jeff, in January of this year.

P.S. Please pardon my lack of posting and delayed responses to your e-mails. I was in desperate need of a break for several reasons, but I'm back, I promise.

Too Sick to Pray

2011-06-06T22:55:00.001-04:00

Merci, J-Nelly.

Tough Broad

2011-05-26T00:39:00.007-04:00

Well, as usual, I didn't realize quite how much time had passed since my last post. I guess once a month is better than not at all. For someone who's unemployed, I've been rather busy.

I finished up my second round of radiation about a month ago. It wasn't anything to celebrate, however. I finished only because I couldn't take anymore. My throat and esophagus were so burned from the radiation that not was I not eating and throwing up the bloody lining, but it got to the point that I was unable to even swallow. So I checked myself in for another lovely stint at Southwest Hospital, where I was simultaneously hooked up to about half a dozen different IVs providing everything from water, vitamins and fats to red and white blood cells and platelets.

We've spent just about every day, Monday through Friday, sometimes even Saturday and Sunday, in the hospital since January 1st. After the last inpatient visit, I thought I would get a break. Sure, I'd still have to go for blood draws, labs and possible transfusions twice a week, but that seemed like nothing compared to our usual drill. I spoke too soon.

This past weekend, I wasn't feeling too hot and developed what I thought was a heat (no pun intended) rash on my face and scalp. Wouldn't that have been nice... Not only am I completely bald but, as it turns out, I have shingles. That's right, shingles - also known as adult chickenpox. I have blisters all over the right side of my head and my eye is swollen almost completely shut. I always wanted to be an author, preferably of non-fiction. Now I'll have to take up fiction writing since I look like some deformed, evil villain from a comic book. Though come to think of it, that'll now be non-fiction for me.

I was so looking forward to being done with radiation. I've been dying to go to the beach for a little r & r. The doctor said it would take about a month for the after effects, and then I'd be free to leave. I was just starting to plan a getaway. Now this... From what I've been told, shingles takes anywhere from 2-4 weeks to clear up, and total recovery can take up to months, if not longer. Some people experience pain for the rest of their lives! Fantastic.

On the bright side, I never thought of myself as a tough cookie, but I have to say, if I make it through all of this, I'll be the toughest broad I know.

Love & Loss

2011-04-21T06:15:00.004-04:00

Well, I knew I hadn't written in a while, but I didn't realize quite how long it's been... Time flies when you're having fun. Ha. I'm more than halfway through my second session of radiation. Eleven down, six more to go.

The first session went well. It targeted the tumors in my abdomen, and they shrunk by about 50%. This session is targeting tumors in my my neck and spine, and though we don't have results yet, my doctor is cautiously optimistic. Though he did tell me yesterday that my case is the most complicated case he's ever had in his career. I always wanted to be different... This just isn't what I meant. Of course, as we all know by now, God's plan is certainly not our own.

We went to the most beautiful communion service last night. It was so amazing to be able to spend time with my my mom and dad, washing each other's feet and praying and crying and laughing together. People keep asking me how I'm holding up, how I'm feeling, and while there are moments, when I want to break down, I just look at my parents and I remember how incredibly blessed I am. God's brought us through so much together, and I know He'll bring us through this.

It's funny when I get asked how I spend my days, what my plans are for the summer, for the future, because I realize just how much this whole cancer thing has changed all that. I don't make plans anymore. I don't care to, to be honest. All that matters to me is spending time with those I love the most. We don't have to go anywhere or do anything. I just like being with them, loving them. God tells us to live day by day, much like the birds, but how many of us actually do that? You should try it sometime. It's remarkably freeing.

Speaking of freeing, my hair started falling out last night, and my brother's already got a whole group of guys willing to shave their heads with me. How amazing is he?

We haaave a winner.

2011-03-31T01:24:00.003-04:00

Ding, ding, ding! We found yet another tumor. I should start taking bets. Or placing them perhaps?

Whac-A-Tumor

2011-03-30T00:48:00.005-04:00

Well, we didn't have to wait til Wednesday. My doctor told me today that I'm screwed.

I went in for radiation yesterday complaining of excruciating nerve pain in my left arm, so he ordered an extensive MRI, which I underwent this morning for 2 hours. The results show a tumor at the base of my neck, as well as a tumor approximately halfway up my spine. For the last week or so, I've also felt like someone was squeezing my ribcage, and I was worried it was all the medications causing respiratory problems or something, but no, no. It's just the cancer. What a relief. Ha.

"You're screwed," were not my doctor's exact words, to be honest, but they my as well have been. He explained that at this point the cancer appears to be metastasizing faster than we can keep up with it, and therefore, it's a bit like playing that old arcade game, Whac-A-Mole. I loved that game. Just when you thought you eradicated one nasty bugger, another one popped up in its place. Ain't life grand?

Stupid Adam. The first thing I'm going to do when I get to heaven is punch him in the face. If he'd just been a man, and said no, we could all be living in paradise instead of just dreaming about it. How about THEM apples, Adam?!

It always gets darker...

2011-03-26T04:04:00.005-04:00

before the lights go out. Or so one of my favorite teachers used to tell me back in high school. I never quite knew what he meant, but I'm starting to understand.

The results of the MRI and lumbar puncture are in, but as the "tumor board" of doctors in charge of my case doesn't meet til Wednesday, we won't know til then what the next step is. One doctor said that the tap shows that there is no cancer in my spinal fluid, however, another doctor said that the MRI shows extensive leptomeningeal disease. The more I read about it, the more confused I become, so enough of that.

Like yet another doctor told me, I'm not one in a million, I'm one in a billion; I'm not a horse, I'm a zebra... or a wildebeest. If all this craziness doesn't prove that God's up to something, I don't know what does.

Now if only He could get rid of this insomnia...

What a difference a day makes.

2011-03-16T15:00:00.003-04:00

I know I've directed everyone here for updates, only to not post a thing, but it's been a crazy few days, so bear with me.

As it stands, the radiation on my abdomen has most likely been effective. My radiation oncologist thinks that the tumor he's been targeting with this radiation must have shrunk, because the symptoms it was causing have all but disappeared. I will be getting ct re-scanned at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow to definitely confirm these findings.

That will be followed by one of two things - either they will re-plot my radiation and I will receive my 13th dose at 10:30 a.m. or, if the tumor has shrunk to such an extent that radiation is no longer even necessary, I will take a break until I have to report to radiology at 11:30 a.m.

In radiology, they will prep me for my lumbar puncture or spinal tap at 1:00 p.m. Needless to say, I'm not at all excited about this procedure. I understand it's fairly routine, like an epidural, but that doesn't make the idea of someone jamming a needle into my spine any more pleasant.

After the tap, I'm to be monitored for nausea, headaches, etc. for 2 hours, then sent home to rest.

The reason for the intrusive procedure is the numbness I've been experiencing in the right side of my face. It started as a chin thing, but it's progressively gotten worse, and I can't feel or taste anything on that side anymore. Furthermore, when the neurosurgeon at UH downtown examined me yesterday, he noticed that my visual and hearing skills are being effected as well.

So what originally showed as a small mass on my MRI may in fact be indicative of a larger problem. If the cancer had spread to my spinal fluid, then treatment options are different - more painful and less effective, in my opinion. If it is in fact just that one spot on my nerve, then we're back to talking about gamma knife as an option.

I don't really know what to say on the subject. I'm typically not an anxious person, and I don't frighten easily, but this whole thing is starting to take it's toll a bit. I'm pretty freaked out. I mean, no one wants to be poked and prodded like a ham. And there are so many variables. Today for example, I feel totally fine, but here I am being told that there's all this chaos going on inside my body. It's crazy.

I know other people have it worse (Japan!), I want to think positive and keep a smile on and all that, but sometimes all I'm capable of doing is pulling the covers over my head. Stupid cancer.

Rads

2011-03-13T20:06:00.009-04:00

Two weeks of radiation are down with three more to go. We thought we'd exhausted all of our options. No radiation oncologist or surgeon was willing to meet with me since I opted out of conventional treatment, but then God opened a door. Literally.

I was laying in a hospital bed, when this doctor walked in and said he wanted to treat me with radiation, chemo or not. Tomorrow is #11 of 25. On day 13, Wednesday, I meet with my doctor to see if the treatments are in fact making a difference. I feel like they are, and he seems pretty optimistic. I don't have nearly as much pain in my back or abdomen, and I'm definitely taking less painkillers, but we shall see.

The bad news is that I get to have four screws drilled into my skull this week. The right side of my face has progressively gotten more and more numb over the last few months. It started with just my chin, but now it's the entire right side. I am no longer able to taste or feel anything like I used to be. I've told several doctors about it as it's gotten worse, only to be told that it was a side effect of my cancer, what with affecting the nervous system and all. Well, my current doctor actually went back to my MRIs and noticed a fingernail sized spot on one of the nerves in my brain. However, the good news is that it's not metastatic, and hopefully quite treatable, so I'll be undergoing gamma knife radiation in the next few days.

Apparently, it's a fairly routine procedure, cos they don't even put you under. I wish they would. The idea of hearing my skull being screwed into does not excite me. And I can just hear my brother's jokes now... Eh. Wish me luck!

P.S.

2011-03-01T02:10:00.002-05:00

Thanks a mill to those of you out there who have been such darlings in visiting and encouraging me this week. Despite the surroundings, I feel like a princess. Raspberries and daffodils, illicit Prosecco and tapas for the Oscars, rare filet and Audrey on a Friday night, purple pedicures and tummy massages in bed, oodles of Crayolas and Hello Kitty, vegan cookies and pink orchids, fresh squeezed orange juice and fashion maggies, new books and cashmere sweaters. Your lovin' makes my world such a beautiful place. Xs & Os.

Bon Anniversaire

2011-03-01T01:57:00.004-05:00

Happy 9 months to me, happy 9 months to me, happy 9 months with stupid !@#$%^& cancer, happy 9 months to me.

It's almost 2 a.m. I'm still at Southwest Hospital. The nurse just came in to administer some meds, and we had a bit of a chat. It's March 1st today. I can hardly believe how fast time flies anymore. I try to savor every moment, but they go by so fast!

I know it's the middle of the night and I should go back to sleep, but I just wanted to take a moment to remember this moment. I feel really happy. There's no particular reason, I suppose. I'm just glad to be here. These last few days, especially, I've just felt really content with life, and I'm so grateful for that. It's a good feeling, to be so comfortable in one's own shoes (or that glittery new pair of spring sandals I need... you know... ha!)

I underwent my first round of radiation earlier today. I was nervously excited about it, again for reasons unknown, but it went off pretty smoothly. It's just a lot of laying in one position. The only thing I need to remember is to take my pain meds in advance of my appointments, cos that table...? It ain't no Tempurpedic. I made the mistake of not popping my candies, and about half way through I needed to move so badly that I wouldn't have cared if they radiated my arm off.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get back to sleep so as to maintain some semblance of a normal schedule. I have radiation #2 of 25 at 10:30, and then I'm in for a day of weaning myself off the morphine pump so that I may go home. Hurrah!

Wise guy

2011-02-22T23:46:00.007-05:00

I know I've mentioned this article before, but it's been so immensely helpful to me, that I just wanted to take a moment to share it in it's entirety with you.

I write this on the eve of prostate surgery. I believe in God’s power to heal—by miracle and by medicine. I believe it is right and good to pray for both kinds of healing. Cancer is not wasted when it is healed by God. He gets the glory and that is why cancer exists. So not to pray for healing may waste your cancer. But healing is not God’s plan for everyone. And there are many other ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for myself and for you that we will not waste this pain.

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.

It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees: “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him” (Job 42:11). If you don’t believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it.

2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us” (Galatians 3:13). “There is no enchantment against Jacob, no divination against Israel” (Numbers 23:23). “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).

3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.

The design of God in your cancer is not to train you in the rationalistic, human calculation of odds. The world gets comfort from their odds. Not Christians. Some count their chariots (percentages of survival) and some count their horses (side effects of treatment), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God (Psalm 20:7). God’s design is clear from 2 Corinthians 1:9, “We felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” The aim of God in your cancer (among a thousand other good things) is to knock props out from under our hearts so that we rely utterly on him.

4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.

We will all die, if Jesus postpones his return. Not to think about what it will be like to leave this life and meet God is folly. Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning [a funeral] than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” How can you lay it to heart if you won’t think about it? Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Numbering your days means thinking about how few there are and that they will end. How will you get a heart of wisdom if you refuse to think about this? What a waste, if we do not think about death.

5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

Satan’s and God’s designs in your cancer are not the same. Satan designs to destroy your love for Christ. God designs to deepen your love for Christ. Cancer does not win if you die. It wins if you fail to cherish Christ. God’s design is to wean you off the breast of the world and feast you on the sufficiency of Christ. It is meant to help you say and feel, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” And to know that therefore, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 3:8; 1:21).

6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

It is not wrong to know about cancer. Ignorance is not a virtue. But the lure to know more and more and the lack of zeal to know God more and more is symptomatic of unbelief. Cancer is meant to waken us to the reality of God. It is meant to put feeling and force behind the command, “Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord” (Hosea 6:3). It is meant to waken us to the truth of Daniel 11:32, “The people who know their God shall stand firm and take action.” It is meant to make unshakable, indestructible oak trees out of us: “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers” (Psalm 1:2). What a waste of cancer if we read day and night about cancer and not about God.

7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.

When Epaphroditus brought the gifts to Paul sent by the Philippian church he became ill and almost died. Paul tells the Philippians, “He has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill” (Philippians 2:26-27). What an amazing response! It does not say they were distressed that he was ill, but that he was distressed because they heard he was ill. That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.

8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.

Paul used this phrase in relation to those whose loved ones had died: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). There is a grief at death. Even for the believer who dies, there is temporary loss—loss of body, and loss of loved ones here, and loss of earthly ministry. But the grief is different—it is permeated with hope. “We would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). Don’t waste your cancer grieving as those who don’t have this hope.

9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.

Are your besetting sins as attractive as they were before you had cancer? If so you are wasting your cancer. Cancer is designed to destroy the appetite for sin. Pride, greed, lust, hatred, unforgiveness, impatience, laziness, procrastination—all these are the adversaries that cancer is meant to attack. Don’t just think of battling against cancer. Also think of battling with cancer. All these things are worse enemies than cancer. Don’t waste the power of cancer to crush these foes. Let the presence of eternity make the sins of time look as futile as they really are. “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25).

10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Christians are never anywhere by divine accident. There are reasons for why we wind up where we do. Consider what Jesus said about painful, unplanned circumstances: “They will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors for my name’s sake. This will be your opportunity to bear witness” (Luke 21:12 -13). So it is with cancer. This will be an opportunity to bear witness. Christ is infinitely worthy. Here is a golden opportunity to show that he is worth more than life. Don’t waste it.

Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).

Pastor John

{via John Piper}

Stop the presses!

2011-02-15T23:58:00.004-05:00

I was the featured "Thought of the Day" on my church's blog yesterday. Check it out! I am honored to have been chosen and so incredibly blessed to be a part of such an amazing family.

I can't express enough how grateful I am for Grace Church. When I started attending, it was on a whim. I worked down the street, and though I'd check it out one Sunday, in hopes of finding a church that wasn't quite as far as the one we'd been attending. More than three years later... God knew what He was doing. My family and I would have been lost over the last few months if not for the love of our church family. I don't even know that I'd have been able to make sense of my life, of this latest development, if not for the things I've learned about myself as a result of attending Grace. I fell in love with God all over again there.

I don't mean to sound like an advertisement for church. I guess what I'm trying to say it that I'm really grateful that my eyes were finally opened to the fact that I don't have to go at this life thing alone. I've always been such a (happy!) loner, but over the last year, and over the last few months, especially, I've come to realize that you need other people. We're not meant to go at it alone. It's like with each little piece I've shared with others, my burden has gotten lighter.

Try it. You just might like it.

L-O-V-E

2011-02-12T23:33:00.004-05:00

Don't you just love love? Happy pre ♥ day weekend, my darlings!

If you're happy and you know it...

2011-02-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

Beautiful family. Beautiful friends. Beautiful day.

God is GOOD.

Another one bites the dust.

2011-02-05T03:48:00.000-05:00

Well, one more has come and gone. It was the time of my life. Minus the cancer bit. Ha. I laughed, I loved, I lost, I learned. Here's to the start of another beautiful year...

Peaks & valleys

2011-01-28T23:00:00.003-05:00

I was laying down to read a bit before going to sleep, but scarcely did my head hit the pillow before I felt compelled to grab my computer. No easy feat this week, as some of you may know. Since Sunday night, my ailments have gotten progressively worse. There’s muscle aches, a migraine, a sharpness under my right rib, excruciating lower back nerve pain, not to mention that I’ve barely been able to walk the last few days. Yet, I’m not that miserable right now.It’s pretty surprising even to myself. I’ve definitely gotten angry and emotional several times over the past week, but tonight, I think I’ll sleep like a baby. And it’s not because of anything I’ve done.

It’s quite the opposite, in fact. It’s thanks to all of you! I have been so overwhelmingly loved on this week that my heart may burst. From encouraging messages and e-mails, to beautiful cards, delicious cookies, gorgeous flowers, I have been so spoiled. Then there are the phone calls and the visits. I don’t even have the words to explain how incredibly blessed I am to have such an amazing group of people in my life.

What blows my mind even more, is all of the people that are praying. Not a day goes by where I don’t hear of another person, sometimes a complete stranger, that’s praying for me. And not just in the States either. People from around the world have called to tell us that they, their families, their churches even, are rallying for me.

I can’t describe quite how humbling that is. In the last few days, I’ve actually been wondering why I’ve had such a beautiful life, while so many others have had to struggle through theirs. I have the most amazing parents in the world. Every time someone asks about “our story” or about how we got here, they are astonished at my narrative of events, and I can scarcely believe it myself. I’ll be 26 in a week. My dad was 26 and my mom was 28 when they decided to leave everything they know, take a 2 and a 4 year old, along with some suitcases and a pittance (more about that later), and move to a country who’s language they didn’t know.

Look at us now. Despite the economic downturn, we eat organic meals, live in a beautiful home, and wear cashmere sweaters. Talk about food, shelter and clothing… and then some! My parents have done an amazing job of not only providing for me materially, but of setting me on the right path spiritually. They never pushed religion upon me, but they led by example, and I am eternally (literally!) grateful.

I’m not one of those people who’s car is plastered with religious bumper stickers, and I really disapprove of people who do that. However, I do love God, and I really believe what I believe. I don’t know where I would be without my faith. This week in particular, I’ve been awestruck by God’s love for me. No matter how many times I’ve screwed up in the past, he’s brought new mercies to me every day. Yet there are so many people who don’t have the same hope or happiness that I have. Why were my eyes opened and not theirs?

Tsarism

2011-01-22T01:19:00.004-05:00

You know, eating pills is really tiring. I don't understand how people get addicted to this behavior. It's a bother. But I digress...

The older I get, the more I'm astounded by how much there is left to learn. Take for example Russian history. I know, the basics, sure, but today I decided to read about Lermontov. And in reading his biography, I really I know very little about the Tsar period. Isn't that standard knowledge? I suppose if I grew up in Russia I'd have learned it all quite well. However, I grew up in the States. So I know about Johnny Appleseed. It's funny how life works. What if we'd never come to America? I wonder how different my life might be right now.

Teenage pregnancy

2011-01-16T00:12:00.005-05:00

We got to meet Misha's 5-day-old babies today. I have never seen anything quite so adorable. They're tiny, almost hamster-like, yet all the pieces and parts are there.

Life is so amazing.

High-Low

2011-01-13T23:59:00.005-05:00

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear from someone about how I should write more. I want to write, but sometimes I can't make sense of everything that's on my mind in a given day. There are a lot of high-low days, you know?

As this has all unfolded, the one thing I've learned and embraced is the idea of living day to day. I thought I lived in the moment before, but I had no clue. To be honest, I don't really know how I did it or how other people do it even now. Each day I encounter brings so many emotions, that I'm not really sure how I tackled more than one at a time in the past. Jesus wasn't kidding when he said, "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Take today, for example. I joke about being an old lady, but sometimes there's truth to the laughter. I feel spent, and I didn't even do that much. I think it's the thinking that really takes it out of me. Ha. I met with my pastor, Jeff, this morning for our usual chat, and I've been pondering our conversation all day. We talked about dying a lot. I like that I can actually talk to him about it without worrying about what to say or not. I mean, if you think about it, we should all be talking about death. It's the one thing we all undoubtedly have in common. Yet so many people are so reluctant to face the facts. Every one thinks I'm being so morbid when I bring it up, but honestly, they're the morbid ones. It's miserable to me to think that this life is all we have. I want more than this.

That being said, I'm not a robot. I do get sad and upset when I think about leaving my family behind. I've had so many amazing memories, and I wish I'd made better use of my time to have created more of those. I guess that's what I really want to get across. Live each day like it's your last. It sounds so cliche, but when you really think about it, it changes your perspective on absolutely everything. And truth be told, none of us know when it's our time to go. Even in my case, I find myself taking things for granted because it's not like I'm dying tomorrow, right? I've got at least a few more days... Wrong. I want to live each day to it's fullest potential. I want to embrace the highs and the lows. I want to love like I've never loved. I want to live so that I'm missed.

Simple Pleasures

2011-01-11T23:46:00.003-05:00

Pardon the brief hiatus. I've been busy eating delicious breakfasts while soaking in the tub and catching up on long naps and fashion magazines, curled up with my puppies. This recuperating thing ain't so bad... Oh, and Misha's a proud daddy of 3 new puppies! Pictures to come.

Decisions, decisions

2011-01-05T23:45:00.001-05:00

Well, the good news is that I got discharged from Southwest a few hours ago, and I'm snuggled up in my own bed as I type this. The bad news is that after 5 days at the hospital, we're back at square one.

They did MRIs and bone scans on stony tables. They sucked several vials of blood at 4 a.m. They pumped me so full of dilaudid that I couldn't see straight. They presented several alternative treatment options - radiation, laparoscopy, surgery. And then yesterday they said they're unwilling to pursue any of those treatments, because they don't know anything about neuroblastoma. However, they know enough to tell me that my cancer is terminal and that my only hope is chemotherapy at University Hospitals. The chemotherapy will have undoubtedly have countless adverse side effects. Oh, but it isn't going to eradicate the disease. In fact, it may or may not even slow the disease. Right.

Again, I feel like this is a riddle for idiots. Do I pick dirt or foie gras? I mean, c'mon. I am infinitely more trusting of God as my Healer then some magical pills whose effects no one can predict. The way I see it, it's a win-win situation. God heals me, and I get to live some more amazing chapters of life. Or... God takes me home, and I get some oceanfront property in heaven.

Merci beaucoup!

2011-01-05T23:27:00.001-05:00

Thank you so much for your texts, calls and visits, and thank you especially for your prayers. The cards were so sweet, and the flowers were beautiful, but your prayers are what got me through the week. I love you all.

Update:

2011-01-03T10:28:00.001-05:00

At Southwest til the pain's more manageable. Tumors appear to be wrapping around spine/aorta/nerves and/or growing into the bone. Bone scan at 1 to verify. Recommending surgery soon to debulk mass and/or laparoscopy on lymph nodes, followed by radiation.

Thanks for all your prayers and encouragements! I'd be lost without 'em!

Happy Christmas!

2010-12-25T22:45:00.007-05:00

Over the last few months, my pastor has told me several times that trials are a blessing from God, that He sends them to us because He loves us. Well, God must love the shit out of me, as one lady from church put it; this year has been full of trials.

As if terminal cancer wasn't enough, there's been a broken heart, trampled friendships, job loss, family feuds, even a bad haircut. And yet, life is GOOD, cos here I am, celebrating Christmas with those that mean the most. If that's not encouraging, I don't know what is.

Happy Christmas!

"An' here I go again on my own..."

2010-12-21T01:31:00.006-05:00

"... Goin' down the only road I've ever know. Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone." I love this song. The lyrics sum up exactly how I feel right now. I want to take a drive right now and blast it with the windows down and the ice cold air in my hair.

I don't always know why I write in the middle of the night, but tonight I didn't really know where else to turn. I can't sleep cos I'm scared and freaked out about so many things. I don't want to worry my parents more than they are, my best friends are already traumatized by it all, and the one person I thought I could lean on in the middle of the night isn't in the mood to talk, so here I am. I guess there's some comfort in knowing you're your own best company.

I don't know why I haven't written in so long. I've jotted things down here and there, but mostly for myself. It sounds terrible, but to be honest, I guess I was just incapable of holding other people up any longer. I've always been a super positive person, head over heels in love with this life, and admitting that I'm more scared than everyone else is or that I need someone to lean on somehow made me feel like I was letting everyone down. I suppose I'm not the tough broad that I like to think I am. This whole things hurts and frightens and pisses me off like nothing I've ever done in my life.

However, what I should have started with is, "Happy Christmas!" I still can't quite believe that almost seven months after a terminal cancer diagnosis, I'm here to celebrate the holidays with my family and friends. The last few months have had their highs and lows, yet here I am. I've craved solitude, and I've tried to detach myself from everyone around me, but they still love me (mostly) unconditionally.

I suppose that's what I should be reminding myself of every day, instead of dwelling on the scary bits. It's just so damn hard to not let anxiety take over. Sometimes, I feel like I'm trapped in bad dream, but then I remember that it's not a dream, and I panic all over again. I need to stop that cycle. I've been so intent on getting my body stronger, but I think that what I really need to start working on is mental and emotional tenacity. From the inside out, right?

"I ain't wastin' no more time..."

Terminated

2010-10-01T14:58:00.001-04:00

And I just got terminated from my job. Thank you, cancer.

New York

2010-10-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

Désolé.

2010-10-01T00:34:00.008-04:00

I know, I know. I haven't written in a while. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately. I've been writing, but in a journal. I guess I just feel more comfortable with that. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise. I know other people read this and there's a sort of vulnerability there that I don't feel comfortable sharing.

I don't know. I thought I knew what it meant to be a displaced person, but then this happened. I've never felt quite so detached from everything and everyone. There's not a day that goes by where people don't call or write or visit. Everyone wants to know what I'm doing, how I'm feeling. When I try to explain it, no one seems to understand. I guess I'm ok with that.

I find myself thinking about the past a lot. I always thought that I was a person that lived in the moment, in the present, but I've come to find out that I really am shaped by the shadows of decisions I made previously. Life is crazy. It's so short, but so full. Some days I find myself wondering where it went, why it seems so fleeting, and then there are days where I can't understand why it takes so long, why we have to live through so many things.

When this first happened, I wanted to write letters to so many people, to forgive, to ask for forgiveness. Yet as time goes by, those moments are few and far between. I've come to realize that while I've surrounded myself with so many people, so many things, so many experiences, there are few that truly matter.

I don't know. I'm at a loss for words, I guess. I don't understand anything any more. There are brief moments where I think I've reached clarity, but then the ground falls out below, and I realize that the only thing I have to hold onto is the relationships I've cultivated. And what a crap job I've done at most of those.

It's somewhat comforting to be brought to this place, this lowest of lows. I just really want to go to heaven sometimes. Yet here I am. I feel so spent, but clearly I haven't done what I was put here to do. It blows my mind to know that God isn't finished with me yet.

Say "thank you," Gilbert.

2010-09-18T02:01:00.004-04:00

I don't know if it's because I'm getting old and crotchety or due to the actual state of affairs, but every day I am more and more disenchanted with our society's blatantly apparent lack of manners. Does it really take you so long to hold a door for someone? Is it really so inconvenient to sacrifice your seat? Are you really so important that you can't be bothered to say thank you?

This isn't the first time I've been appalled by my generation's behavior, but it certainly doesn't get any less frustrating. Children are taught self-esteem over and over again in the schools, but isn't important to equip them with character traits actually worthy of that admiration? Whatever happened to grace and humility? Any more, everyone just believes the world owes them a favor.

I feel like this sense of entitlement is slowly eating away at us. No one seems to think about anyone but themselves. Can you imagine if there was some sort of crisis and people had to share their last loaf of bread with someone? Given what I witness today, I'm frightened to see the outcome.

Game plan

2010-09-16T04:04:00.014-04:00

Here I am, laying in bed typing, propped up by pillows like an old lady. I did say I want to grow up to be like Miss Havisham...

My body hurts so badly that I can't sleep. I don't even know if it's the cancer or the self-abuse. After a show at the Beachland last week, I spent the night at a friend's and fell asleep on her futon, doing something to my right shoulder. Then I've been going to yoga everyday, sometimes twice a day, so my (lack of) abs hurt. One of my friends and I hiked the Chippewa Creek Gorge today. I've recently been taking hikes several times a week, therefore my legs are sore. What a mess.

Yet even now, I want to go for long walk. Too bad it's 4 a.m. out here in the woods. I feel like I just want to sweat this pain out of me. The more I exert myself, the better I feel. It's like I'm more alive somehow. I figure that tiring myself will do one of two things. My body will be so beat-up that God will have no option but to give me a new one (read: take me home!), or I'll have worn the cancer out. Win-win.

I saw 180 Degrees South last week, and it is absolutely amazing. Once more I want nothing more than to go to Argentina. I obsess over a different country each week, but I've always been enamored with the idea of moving down to Argentina. From the romance of Buenos Aires to the magnitude of Patagonia, there is so much culture and so much beauty in that place. I want to get lost in a place where I don't know the language. We have relatives there. Talk about luck of the draw. They end up in Argentina and we get Cleveland. Ha!

I want to go hike Patagonia, to ascend Cerro Corcovado. I want to sail and surf the Pacific. I want to help help people build homes, to hold children that have been orphaned. I want to smell the rain, to touch the earth. I want to feel this life deep into my bones. It's so beautiful, and yet we spend so much times blind to that. It brings me to tears.

Why is it that we concern ourselves so much with creating a business plan for the career side of our lives, yet we fail miserably to produce any goals in the spiritual department? It goes back to the idea that we're these wound-up little robots, trying desperately to plug a hole in our boat whilst losing sight of the approaching hurricane.

I don't want to concern myself with things like making money or wearing designer gear any more. I mean, who honestly cares about the label on my shoes? The vast majority of the world is happy to even have something to wear. Driving to our jobs every day, we get so angry that someone cut us off, not realizing that even that is a privilege. So many people don't have jobs or cars to get them there. Their concern is finding something to eat that day.

When I die, I don't want to be remembered for how much I spent on my Louboutins, I want to be remembered for the love I spent on life.

Hello, old friend.

2010-07-29T03:07:00.006-04:00

It's been a while since I've written, but I suppose that will happen from time to time. This summer has just been so beautiful, and between thunderstorms, trips to Chagrin Falls, jaunts in the garden and treasure-hunting, I've been so busy! It seems like just when I start to get bored with being away from work for so long or frustrated with being so useless, another project comes my way. I've spent these last few days working on some "new" pieces of furniture. There really are few things better than the sheer exhaustion that comes from hard work. I absolutely love the sense of accomplishment that comes with feeling all grimy and tired. There's something rather organic about the whole mess. Anyway, it is 3:00 a.m., and I am quite exhausted, so I'll just leave you with some snapshots of the past week...

Rowr

2010-07-26T01:21:00.009-04:00

Red lipstick? Check.

Scotch? Check.

Don Draper? Check.

Oh, Mad Men, how I've missed you.

VIP treatment

2010-07-11T00:45:00.010-04:00

I've become a regular at the Clinic. Free parking pass and errrything.

At least it's close to Little Italy.

{photos by my amazing pop}